ME AND MY DIET

In these times of reduced physical activity and increased dependence on comfort foods, diet and exercise are more important than ever. But let me be clear: I'm violently against both.

Now, I'm not against them in theory. In fact, I've actually tried each of them multiple times, often motivated by something like this online ad:

Lose 20 Pounds in One Week!

Unfortunately, both diet and exercise, at least in my experience, are synonymous with disappointment and despair. Take dieting, for instance. Every night, I brush my teeth, wash off what passes for make-up these days, and stare at my unvarnished, roundish face in the mirror. I shake my finger sternly in my direction and tell myself, in no uncertain terms, that the next day will NOT be a repeat of the one that just ended. Feeling thoroughly chastised, I head to bed, confident that I will soon be jogging down the road that leads to being a svelte, attractive woman with only one chin.

 

Here's what actually happens.

 

Morning: I wake up and take a quick shower to rinse off any dead skin cells that might have collected on me overnight and which could adversely affect my weighing-in. Next, I ease myself onto the scale, hoping that a slow and careful ascent will trick the internal weighing mechanism into not registering my full poundage. Finally, I put my hands over my face, squeeze my eyelids nearly shut, and peer down at the scale from between my fingers. This increases my chances of misreading the numbers and/or gives me an opportunity to quickly look away if the last two digits appear to be too upsetting.

 

Breakfast: Diet experts have informed us that a healthy breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gives us much-needed energy and cuts down on cravings. With that in mind, I take one of the following approaches to the meal. I either have two scrambled egg whites made with Pam, a "light" Thomas's English Muffin, and a teaspoon of orange juice; OR, I ignore the whole "important meal" theory, figuring that if I don't eat breakfast I will be justified in having a skinny TKY at Potbelly's for lunch, along with two mini oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies.

 

Morning Snacks: The diet experts who recommend the "healthy breakfast" thing have also suggested that it's good to eat several smaller meals or snacks during the day to reduce the possibility of triggering hunger pangs. This idea of constant snacking is, I feel, absolutely brilliant. That's why I make certain to have healthy, lo-cal snacks close at hand. An apple, for instance. Yogurt. Celery. And then, several days later, I throw out their wasted, rotted remains.

Lunch: See Option 2 under "Breakfast."

Afternoon Snacks: All right, fine. I obviously slip up a bit during lunch, a problem I attribute to the failure of the healthy morning snacks routine. So for my post-noon snacks, I usually decide to indulge in something I really like; for example, all but one bite of a thick slice of chocolate cake. This choice may seem surprising, but many of us once learned--and fervently choose to believe--that 95% of calories reside in the last bite of any chocolate-based food. Besides, I'm quite certain that the calories I do eat are canceled out by the Diet Coke I drink to wash them down.

Dinner: I'm sure you would agree that it would be thoughtless of me to deprive my family of a satisfying meal just because I'm trying to control my own caloric intake. So we always have a nice dinner, but one that allows me to keep my own dietary needs in the forefront.  For example, we might have a plant-based dinner (my Vegan son would be so proud!), often in the form of several large cartons of carry-out from New Golden Dragon. Or, perhaps we have a good thick steak, because not all of those high-protein, low-carb diets could have been wrong and, honestly, why restrict myself to one approach to dieting when there are so many to choose from?

 

Evening and Late-Night: Dietitians also warn that one should not eat anything after 8:00. This assumes, though, that the "one" they are referring is not so lacking in will power that she has been reduced to having her husband hide packages of Evil Oreos around the house and doling out a single cookie every night as a treat. It also assumes that this same individual does not wear out a path from the family room to the kitchen while binge-watching Ozark or inhaling Shark Tank reruns. On a recent evening, this path led to my consuming three King's Hawaiian Bread rolls, a few pretzel rods, leftover egg foo young, and a half-dozen cookies that I only discovered after a frenzied search of the house when my husband ran out to Walgreens to pick up some Advil that I told him I desperately needed. 

All was not lost, however. Thanks to one of the old Shark Tank episodes, I learned about the Skinny Mirror, which makes the user look ten pounds lighter. Kevin O'Leary and the other Sharks condemned the product as a deception and refused to invest. I, however, cried out in anguish at this loss to society and immediately hit eBay in search of one. It should arrive any day now.

Minions of the Evil Oreos:

the Hershey Kisses of Death