Tuesday, August 25, 2020

BOYCOTT BABY SHARK!!

"BA-BY SHARK---" Okay. So if you're the parent or grandparent of a little person, you just automatically went DOO DOO D-DOO D-DOO, and if you pretend otherwise you are a big fat liar.

Now, some Baby Shark victims may actually think this song is cute. Others have accepted it as an excruciating but inescapable part of life. But in this age of conspiracy theories, I feel compelled to warn you that that Baby Shark is actually part of a diabolical plot against all humankind.

Let's begin with the basics. First, if you haven’t heard this little earworm from hell, here's your chance. But really, you should NOT, I repeat NOT, click on this link if you value your sanity. Seriously, don't do it. Okay, fine. But I've warned you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqZsoesa55w&vl=en

 

Bet you're sorry now, aren't you? Anyhow, on the surface, the song appears to be a harmless ditty about a shark family that heads off for a fun-filled day of eviscerating happy little sea creatures. But it's more than that. The song is actually a subtle form of mind control. 


There is the aforementioned "Doo-Doo" reflex, of course. But now you will also find yourself having a Pavlovian response that forces you to start singing the song every time you hear the word "shark," see a picture of a shark, or sit down to watch "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel. This can be very humiliating in the wrong context. Meaning always. 


But worse than this, a thoughtful listener/observer will realize that there's some really nasty ageism at work  here. Let's look at the video a little more closely, shall we?



This adorable little fellow, you may recall, is Baby Shark. There is no denying he is very cute and extremely yellow. And then we meet Mommy and Daddy Shark. Daddy Shark is a handsome, virile fish with a deep voice, massive jaws, and sharp teeth, all expertly portrayed in the video by a truly terrifying boy-child. Mommy Shark is less threatening, perhaps due to her carefully applied mascara and lipstick. (Contact me if you would like to discuss gender bias.)


 

Now, here come Grandma and Grandpa Shark. Look at them closely. Then check out the kids’ hand motions. What do you see? 


THESE SHARKS ARE TOOTHLESS, PEOPLE! GRANDMA AND GRANDPA ARE TOOTHLESS SHARKS! This means that Grandma and Grandpa can't viciously rip apart other fish on their own. Which further means that little children (and Baby Shark) are being conditioned to believe that grandparents can contribute nothing to the family unit or to society as a whole, except, possibly, singing ability. This is completely unacceptable, except for that last part, which is good news for me.    


Now I wouldn't be so worried except that this freaking video has been played over 6 billion times on YouTube. You heard me. 6 BILLION TIMES!! And it gets worse. There are now sequels: Baby Car and Baby T-Rex. And to show you just how truly awful all this is, here's what Grandma T-Rex (TEE TEE T-TEE T-TEE) looks like:



So I'm begging you.  If you are related to a small child, BLOCK THESE VIDEOS!! Although tragically, for some of us, it may already be too late.

4 comments:

  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV0w_wrU750

    ReplyDelete
  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbfl4Rhsm3w

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That second one gets close to a Baby Shark strip tease...

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  3. As always, spot on! "Earworm from Hell"- Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete

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