A CHANUKAH FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, there was a Nonny Bear and a Papa Bear. They had three little grandcubs that they loved very much. 

One day, Nonny Bear looked at the calendar. "Oh, dear!" she said. "Chanukah is coming very quickly indeed!" 

Papa Bear jumped up from his comfy chair. "Really? Then we must go to the magical Amazon Forest and look for many, many toys for each of the cubs, and for each of the eight nights!" 

Nonny Bear smiled at him. "Well, they are very small cubs," she said. "The oldest isn't even two! They don't know about the eight nights of Chanukah. So why don't we get each of them one very special gift instead?" 

"You are very smart, Nonny Bear" said Papa Bear. "We will do that." And off they went to the Amazon Forest to see what they could find. 

After much searching, Nonny and Papa Bear picked out a marvelous gift for each cub. The oldest got a little teepee so he could pretend that he was an explorer and stop playing in the big cardboard box his daddy's office chair came in. The girl cub got a developmentally appropriate activity center so she could become good at technology and math and crush little boy cubs when it came to science someday. The littlest cub got magical stacking cubes with many colors and shapes and sounds, even though his main focus still was keeping his head from hitting the floor during tummy time. 

A few days later, Nonny Bear looked at the gifts and sighed. "Three things really aren't very many, are they?" 

"No, they are not," said Papa Bear. "And even though the cubs are small, it might still be good to teach them about the eight nights of Chunukah." 

"And we don't have to buy big presents," said Nonny Bear. "We can go to Dollar Store!" 

"Or Five Below!" cheered Papa Bear. And off they went. 

When they got home again, the Bears looked at the Styrofoam swords and plywood puzzles and the many, many other cheap toys they had bought. 

"These presents don't look very special," said Papa Bear. 

"No, they don't," agreed Nonny Bear. "Should we upgrade to Target?" 

"Oh, yes!" said Papa Bear. 

And off they went again!

Soon they came home with even more toys. And books, because everyone knows that books are very good things. And some really adorable clothes, because there were some that had cute little Bear ears on the caps and little Bear-paw slippers and how could they NOT buy them? 

"This is good," said Nonny Bear. 

"Yes. This is very good!" agreed Papa Bear. But, deep in their hearts, neither of the Bears thought they had bought NEARLY enough presents for their very special grandcubs. So each of them secretly snuck out and bought a few more. 

Then one evening Nonny Bear announced, "It's time to wrap the Chanukah presents!"

"Hooray!" said Papa Bear. So he went to the garage and the closets and the basement and brought all the presents to Nonny Bear to wrap. There were many, many, MANY presents. In fact, there was a whole mountain of presents! 

"The cubs' parents are going to kill us," said Nonny Bear. 

"I don't care," said Papa Bear. "They can't stop us." 

So Chanukah came, and the gifts were delivered, and the cubs were happy and laughing. And Nonny and Papa Bear were happier still! As for the cubs' parents, they just shook their heads and smiled. Because really, what else could they do? 

So from the Bear family to all of you, Happy Holidays! May your days be filled with love and laughter. (And lots of presents for the little ones.)

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED

So, yeah, a lot of us are stuck inside again. (And for those of you in Florida and Arizona and other states where shelter-in-place can be accomplished in golf carts or next to a swimming pool, you should know, and I say this from a place of deep love, that the rest of us really dislike you right now.) 

Now if you're NOT living in those states, and like me, are no longer in the world of full-time work, you're bored out of your mind and looking for something to do. And I'm not talking about baking sourdough bread, or learning Mandarin, or starting a humor blog. Those things are so last March. 

No, at this point we need to become much more creative. So I'm offering these options, all carefully researched and tested by myself. 

• Check the lint trap on the dryer. If it is full, see if you can pull it off in one unbroken sheet. (Bonus: You can shove the lint into empty toilet paper rolls to make fire starters, and yes, I looked that up, and yes, I'm considering doing it, and yes, that's just how bored I am.) 

• Light several candles. Place bets on which one will burn down the fastest. I did this with three Memorial Candles this past Yom Kippur, and it was quite an exhilarating 24 hours. 

• Play "What's in My Junk Drawer?" Make a list of everything you THINK is in your junk drawer, and then open the drawer and compare the contents to what's on your list. Give yourself +2 points for each match, and -1 point for each surprise. My score was negative 27. But at least I now know that I have a couple dozen self-adhesive cork pads, a pack of something called "trim replacement springs," several mystery keys, and absolutely no Scotch tape.

• Make up a story for your dog using all the words she knows: "So MOMMY and CASSIE went OUTSIDE for a WALK in the PRAIRIE because CASSIE was a GOOD GIRL and deserved a TREAT." This will increase your creativity, sharpen your linguistic skills, and convince your dog that she's brilliant. 

• Rearrange the MixTiles that now cover every inch of wall space, a situation that may or may not be the result of your husband receiving coupons promising him "guaranteed happiness" from the "stunning wall art" we would own if he ordered them. (Mind you, the stunning pieces of wall art are actually 8x8 foam-core tiles made from the pictures on your phone.) The website also mentions that millions of tiles have been sold. Most of them to my husband. 

• Order a whole roll of bubble wrap from Home Depot. Pop the bubbles, keeping track of how many you can pop before you hit a dud. (My personal best, as of this writing, is 76.) 

• This is another betting game. Gather up all the pens and markers in your house. Place wagers with other household members, or interested outsiders who are no longer able to visit casinos, on how many of them still work: fewer than 10, 10-15, 15-20, and over 20. (Tip: the answer will always be "Fewer than 10.") The winner gets two unopened packs of Sharpies and Bics. 

• Put all the non-working pens and markers you discovered back in random locations so you can have a fun little treasure hunt every time you need to jot something down.

• Watch TV shows and YouTube videos you swore you'd never, ever, under any circumstances, watch. But be careful. Some women I thought were my friends recently referred me to the videos of Sandra Lee, aka Dr. Pimple Popper. And let's just say... there are some things that you can't unsee. (Prediction: I suspect that those of you who watched "Baby Shark" after I warned you against it in an earlier blog will now race to look up Dr. Pimple Popper.)

• Write a hostile but creatively worded response in my Comments section describing how much you hate me for making you aware of Dr. Pimple Popper. 

That's all for now. But I will be happy to share any additional brilliant ideas that the rest of you may have discovered over these past weeks. As they say, "We're in this together."