THE 5 STAGES OF DECLUTTERING

My husband and I have very different approaches to decluttering. Mine is to grab a flame thrower and torch everything in sight. Oh wait, sorry--that's just an image that occasionally flashes through my brain. But I do admit that 1-800-GOT-JUNK appears at the top of my Emergency Contact list.   

My husband's philosophy is very different. He feels that every item that's in jeopardy deserves to be lovingly examined and thoughtfully evaluated. In fact, if he sees me anywhere near a full garbage bag, he will hurl his body between me and the bag until he has first examined the contents himself.  His conclusions, without exception, are "We need to keep this."     

I usually—okay, always-- disagree, and it is at this point that we begin our "discussion." This is also the point at which my husband begins his journey through Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. 

Let's pretend, purely for purposes of illustration, that we are examining this hypothetical shelf in what was hypothetically once our "toy room."   

"Hon," I say, "I think it's finally time to get rid of these games." 

"Why?" 

"Well, because they're pretty much garbage." 

He stares at me. "What are you talking about? These are vintage games. They could be worth a lot of money!"  (Please see "Don't Go In the Basement: Misguided Beliefs.") 

"Excuse me," I say. "I looked in the Trivial Pursuit box and there were only three of those little wheel thingys and maybe a dozen of the colored pie pieces." 

"So what's your point?" 

Now, an astute reader will realize that my husband has just exhibited signs of Stage 1 of the Kübler-Ross progression: Denial. So now we move on to… 

Stage 2: ANGER

 

"You know," he says bitterly, "this is like when we first got married and you made me throw out all my Aurora monster model kits." 

"Hon, that was 42 years ago. Plus, you'd already put the models together and thrown out the boxes. And the Creature from the Black Lagoon was missing an arm." 

Which leads to… 

Stage 3: BARGAINING 

"Okay, fine," he says. "I'll throw out Trivial Pursuit and Othello, but only if I get to keep Two for the Money and the $64,000 Question Quiz Games. You have to admit, they really MIGHT be valuable." 

"You mean the ones in the smashed boxes that got ruined in the flood?" At this point, he realizes he can no longer avoid the inevitable, which leads to a filled garbage bag and… 

Stage 4: DEPRESSION  

Or, as we call it in our house, Pouting. He climbs the stairs from the basement and takes refuge in his den, where he sits in the dark, not moving, and silently watches the Godfather trilogy for comfort. And it is from there that he finally moves on to… 

Stage 5: ACCEPTANCE 

  

Which is where he will remain. At least until it's time to declutter the garage.