FAILING SOCIAL MEDIA

We are all dealing with big, important questions these days. Just this evening, for example, my husband turned to me with a troubled expression and asked, "So…what exactly is TikTok?" 

I shook my head despondently. "I have no idea. At first I thought maybe it was a character in a Pixar movie, but I realized I was confusing it with Forky. And then the girl who cuts my hair told me I should check out her TikTok dance, and I asked her if it was something like 'I'm a Little Teapot,' but with a clock." 

"And?" 

"And she just patted my arm and gave me a sad look." 

Now, you need to understand that I have tried very, very hard to stay on top of social media. I never referred to "The Facebook." I spoke knowledgeably about LinkedIn, discovered Pinterest, opened a Twitter account, and once impressed my kids when I mentioned I'd been on Reddit to find out what everyone thought L + R = J meant in Game of Thrones. 

There was also the period where my husband and I discovered emojis and GIFs (which I admit I am still not sure how to pronounce correctly). We were really proud of ourselves until our sons told us to stop. Immediately. 

😢😢😢

I was pretty much ready to listen to them, too, because I realized that every time I figured out one social media innovation, another popped up and made me feel stupid. For instance, when everyone under 30 fled Facebook in droves, I took a deep breath and dove into Instagram because that turned out be one of the easiest ways to see my Arizona granddaughter, whom impartial observers agree is the most adorable girl-child on the planet.. But suddenly everyone on Instagram started adding "stories" and graphics and music and other embellishments that require a degree in cinematography. I became depressed.

In fact, I almost gave up social media entirely. Luckily, before I did, I discovered some additional, very important benefits of remaining on Instagram. Click "Read More" to learn about three of them.

GRANDPARENT LIFE HACKS

If you have grandchildren in your life, you already know that they are absolutely, utterly, no-doubt-about-it perfect. You also know that one of the best things about them has always been that you get to give them back when they become unreasonable or you need a nap. 

In these days of shuttered day cares and remote work situations, though, grandparents are suddenly being called back into active duty. As a result, many of them have been heard to utter the immortal words of Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon: 

"I'm too old for this sh*t." 

As a public service, then, I would like to offer some GRANDPARENT LIFE HACKS that may make the return to child care a little easier. 

Hack Number 1: Beware of the floor. It's important to understand that being a grandparent requires getting down on the floor. This happens when the child is still in the dreaded "slug-on-a-play-mat" phase; needs assistance with Lego construction; has an unexpected diaper explosion; or, in our house, asks you to activate the Dinosaur Death Trap (which I will be happy to provide detailed diagrams for). 

Now, getting down on the floor is all well and good, but please make sure that there is a spouse or some other stationary object nearby that you can grab on to when you want to get back up again. Otherwise you may still find yourself in beached whale mode long after the grandchild is no longer anywhere in the vicinity. 

Hack Number 2: Study their language. Grandchildren say things that sound like familiar words, but those words do not always mean what you think they mean. For example, my husband and I learned these words and definitions early on: 

• Uh-oh: This all-purpose exclamation can be used to express excitement, dismay, poop, or an airplane. 

• On: This word, which requires an accompanying finger point, is actually a request to turn on the indicated fan, light, or toy; but it is also understood that if the indicated item is already "on," the word should be interpreted as actually meaning "off." 

• Ow. A candle. We have not yet asked our grandson's parents how he came to connect the two.  

• Cah-Cah: Good guess, but this does not mean car. There is actually no word for car—rather, a cah-cah is a toy truck. And a real truck, when seen on a highway, is referred to as a "WHOAAAAAAAAA!" 

• Ba-Ba: The pacifier. Or milk bottle. Or the television. Or a brief history of the universe.