Monday, November 16, 2020

GRANDPARENT LIFE HACKS

If you have grandchildren in your life, you already know that they are absolutely, utterly, no-doubt-about-it perfect. You also know that one of the best things about them has always been that you get to give them back when they become unreasonable or you need a nap. 

In these days of shuttered day cares and remote work situations, though, grandparents are suddenly being called back into active duty. As a result, many of them have been heard to utter the immortal words of Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon

"I'm too old for this sh*t." 

As a public service, then, I would like to offer some GRANDPARENT LIFE HACKS that may make the return to child care a little easier. 

Hack Number 1: Beware of the floor. It's important to understand that being a grandparent requires getting down on the floor. This happens when the child is still in the dreaded "slug-on-a-play-mat" phase; needs assistance with Lego construction; has an unexpected diaper explosion; or, in our house, asks you to activate the Dinosaur Death Trap (which I will be happy to provide detailed diagrams for). 

Now, getting down on the floor is all well and good, but please make sure that there is a spouse or some other stationary object nearby that you can grab on to when you want to get back up again. Otherwise you may still find yourself in beached whale mode long after the grandchild is no longer anywhere in the vicinity. 

Hack Number 2: Study their language. Grandchildren say things that sound like familiar words, but those words do not always mean what you think they mean. For example, my husband and I learned these words and definitions early on: 
  • Uh-oh: This all-purpose exclamation can be used to express excitement, dismay, poop, or an airplane. 
  • On: This word, which requires an accompanying finger point, is actually a request to turn on the indicated fan, light, or toy; but it is also understood that if the indicated item is already "on," the word should be interpreted as actually meaning "off." 
  • Ow. A candle. We have not yet asked our grandson's parents how he came to connect the two.  
  • Cah-Cah: Good guess, but this does not mean car. There is actually no word for car—rather, a cah-cah is a toy truck. And a real truck, when seen on a highway, is referred to as a "WHOAAAAAAAAA!
  • Ba-Ba: The pacifier. Or milk bottle. Or the television. Or a brief history of the universe. 

Hack Number 3: Learn to lie. Let's say the parents of your grandchild tell you that you are not, under any circumstances, to give that child sweets. Let's also say that you realize that a crying child can be placated with a taste of orange Popsicle, followed by many more tastes. If this happens, which of course it never has in our house, tell your grandchild that the orange popsicle is actually a special carrot so that you won't get in trouble if he rats you out. 

Hack Number 4: Improvise. This hack is a variation on lying, but it's aimed at the kid. Imagine, for example, that you find yourself out of milk. You panic, knowing that this situation can lead to a spectacular meltdown around nap time. My husband and I have found that telling a child that water is "clear milk" works beautifully. Unfortunately, the child—as was once the case with all three of our now-grown sons-- may begin preferring clear milk over the white kind. And you, in turn, may be left wondering if the child is perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box. 

Hack Number 5: Avoid bubbles (aka bah-boos) If you begin blowing bubbles in the house—which may not be the best idea in the world, but don't judge me--you will find yourself blowing bubbles for the rest of your life, or at least until you hyperventilate and your grandchild takes advantage of your disorientation to eat the bubble wand while happily pouring the remaining liquid over his head. 

Hack Number 6: Develop sticky fingers. At nap time, your grandchild may ask you to read the same book—let's say, Little Blue Truck or Llama Llama Red Pajama--a minimum of one hundred times. It is therefore imperative that you learn the "sticky finger" technique. With each successive reading, start turning several pages at a time. This works until the grandchild gets older, figures out what you're doing, suddenly understands the concept of betrayal, and vows never to trust you or any other adult again. 

Hack Number 7: Feign ignorance. Toward the end of the day, you may feel you have changed one too many diapers. The trick here is to ignore the smell emanating from your grandchild and wait patiently until it's time for the parents to show up. At that point, they may sniff and say, "I think he has a dirty diaper." And that's when you say, "Really? I just changed him!" 

Hack Number 8: Prepare yourself for pick-up time. When your own child comes to retrieve your grandchild, don't watch too closely. No good can come of this. Because it will just make you remember when that amazing young man or woman was someone you picked up and cradled in your own arms, and it will take everything in you not to cry.

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