Take the clicker, for example. My husband, admittedly, has a master's touch when it comes to the TV remote. Seriously, if clicker control were an Olympic sport, he'd win the gold every time. He can intuit the precise instant at which he should release the fast forward button in order to land us on the opening moment of the next post-commercial scene.
This is certainly a skill to be applauded, and it is one I do not have. But, unfortunately, he also has a compulsive need to see the first micro-second of the scene that follows each commercial. So, if I happen to pick up the remote when the ads start, two things happen. First, I invariably fast forward us a second or two into the program. Second, a conversation like the following ensues:
HUSBAND: Hit pause! (Impatiently motions for the clicker) Okay, give it to me.
ME: Why? We just missed a second or two.
HUSBAND: Give it to me.
ME: Hon, I think we are both smart enough to figure out what happened. The elevator doors opened and Meredith walked out.
HUSBAND: But what if there was a voiceover? What if there was someone important in the back of the elevator? What if someone was holding a cute baby? (He lunges forward and grabs the clicker from my hand.)
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU REWIND THIS I WILL KILL YOU!
I realize I may be overreacting a bit.
But in my defense, the clicker issue is compounded by the falling-asleep problem. Now in my mind, if you sit down to watch a show with someone—especially a show that you both have deemed is Quality TV-- you have made a commitment. You owe it to yourself, your viewing partner (me), and the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to watch and appreciate that show in its entirety. Yet although, as noted, my husband doesn't like to miss the first micro-second after a commercial, he has no qualms about falling asleep just as you're finding out if Logan Roy's son is going to betray him--which he damn well should!--or right before that final scene in Season 3 of Ozark.
But that's not the real issue. The REAL issue is that my husband does not feel ashamed of his actions or even acknowledge that he has fallen asleep. I'll know that he has, because I'll hear a loud snort and turn to see that his eyes are scrunched shut and his mouth is open. At that point I grit my teeth, pause the show, and punch him.
"Hon. Wake up."
"Wh..? Not asleep." (He immediately goes back to sleep.)
"HON! WAKE UP!"
"Am up. Resting my eyes."
"You were snoring. You also just muttered something about having to clean Trump's teeth, and then you asked me why my computer was talking to you."
"Did not."
"Okay, then tell me what just happened during the last five minutes."
He slowly opens his eyes and stares intently at the screen. "Wait. Who are those people?"
And that's when I killed him, your honor.
Amen sistah! Well-written! Once again you expressed yet another annoyance us women are all feeling. I'm curious as to who gets control of the clicker in the prison day room? And as a word of comfort, at least your husband gives you a heads up (or down) by snoring when he falls asleep--my guy quietly nods off and can be "out" for the count for half of an episode of "All American" before I notice- and it's a show about football!!
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, I sometimes fall asleep, as well. And I have this uncanny ability to make relevant comments while I'm unconscious. This confuses both of us.
ReplyDeleteI always laugh out loud when reading your blog. Always. This time, it was the "resting my eyes" comment... it's what my father, yes, my father Jeff, used to say after falling asleep & snoring in front of the tv. Note: I loved my dad very much and it is one of my fond memories of him.
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