SUPER BOWL LV FOR (REALLY STUPID) DUMMIES

So, Super Bowl Sunday is just a few days away, and it is not, obviously, going to be like other Super Bowl Sundays. No parties. No bottomless bowls of snacks or steaming pots of chili. No Budweiser ads. In short, a truly tragic day for all hardcore football fans. 

But the ones I feel worst for are people like my husband. They will be trapped in the house with someone like me who, despite years of effort, just doesn't get football. 

I used to tell myself that football was a guy thing, but I know this isn't true. Two of my girlfriends are walking stat machines, and my daughter-in-law recently commented, "Well, the Chiefs went big last time, but Tom Brady almost pulled it off for the Bucs in the fourth quarter." And then I excitedly said something like, "Wait, I know Tom Brady! Isn't he the one who's married to a supermodel?" 

Oh, I've tried to learn. I once purchased Football for Dummies but it was far too advanced for me. I tried perching next to my husband on the couch, hoping to soak up pearls of football wisdom as we watched. Unfortunately, he doesn't talk during the game and threatens me with bodily harm when I do. When we used to watch games with friends, I tried faking interest by sitting in an intense forward-leaning position and cheering and groaning when everyone else did. But then I'd blow it by asking, "Oh, no! Was he tailgating?" 

So I've decided to find my own way to enjoy the game this Sunday. Like, I'll try to figure out which lines on the field are real and which are the magic ones that disappear. I will see if I can finally decide what all the numbers on the bottom of the screen mean. I will make up definitions for all of the terms the announcers use that are complete gibberish to me. I will also see how many of my own terms and/or definitions I can come up with while watching. 

Here, for instance, are some I invented last week: 

• Illegal clumping: when too many players jump on another player and you can't see him. 

• Offensive crotch scratching: when a player does that, I find it kind of disgusting so I figured it needed a penalty. 

• Personal fowl: when a player runs around in the end zone like a crazy chicken. 

• Creative zig-zagging: when a player runs down the field and doesn't bump into any of the other players.

• Intentional confusion: when the quarterback guy makes you think he's gonna throw the ball but he gives it to someone instead and they run away with it and you sit there wondering, "Where'd the ball go?"

• Up-downs: this, according to my two-year-old grandson, is the appropriate term for tackles. I see no reason to doubt him. 

• Impressive tight end: a close camera shot of really firm butt cheeks. 

All that said, I'm pretty confident that this Sunday will be more enjoyable for me than other Super Bowls have been. That's because I heard my husband saying something about how there'd be two goats playing, one from each team.

This excited me tremendously. I mean, I've never seen animals on the field! My husband tried to explain something about the goats being the Greatest Of All Time, which puzzled me for a minute, but then made perfect sense. I mean, come on—they're not going to let just any old goat play in the Super Bowl!