THE VACCINATION GAME!

Hey, everyone! Are you ready to play that exciting new online game that's sweeping the country? That's right. I'm talking about...FIND THE VACCINE!

I know you've heard of it. You may already be playing it! This game has captured the imagination of everyone who enjoys spending endless hours hunched in front of a computer, swearing like that kid in The Exorcist, and slowly going mad. It is basically a combination of The Amazing Race and The Hunger Games, but there is no affable host and the odds are never, ever in your favor. 

If you haven't yet joined in the fun, the first thing you need to do is familiarize yourself with the some of the game's standard catch-phrases. These include 

• For vaccination sites in your area, click here. (That's right. The link doesn't work.)
• More vaccines coming soon. 
• No appointments available at this time. 
• Try another location/date/country/decade. 
• Check back soon. 
• Please be patient. 

Once you've got the lingo down, it's time to check out the exciting challenges that you may find yourself participating in: 

EMAIL MADNESS This challenge requires both vigilance and speed. At any time of the day or night, you may receive an email telling you that new doses have been delivered to your preferred location. Don't delay! You will have approximately 3 seconds to click on the pharmacy link before a buzzer sounds and all of the doses disappear. 

TRUTH OR DARE Healthy players must decide whether to be honest during the screening process or pretend to have, say, a chronic lung disease in order to scootch up on the priority list. But beware! If you're caught, you will immediately be eliminated from the game as a whomp-whomp sound plays in the background. 

GUESS THE PHARMACY! After completing the screening process, players are shown a list of approximately eighty providers that are dispensing the vaccine within a 50-mile radius. But there's a twist: only ten of them really have the vaccine! Your challenge is not only to pick one that does, but also to find one that has open slots. Choose wisely. If you guess wrong, you'll receive a penalty and have to start the process all over again. 

BELIEVE IT OR NOT For this challenge, players must use their wits to decide which, if any, tips from friends are worth listening to. For example, should you go online at 3 AM, or use the weird ZIP code someone gave you, or try that super-secret phone number that only your very best friend knows, or show up at your local Walgreens or Jewel at the end of the day and look for leftover doses in the trash bin? Some of the tips will work, and some won't. It will be up to you to determine which is which!

So now you're ready. And the best thing about this game is that you can play it all day, every day, for weeks. Of course, the worst thing about this game is that you can play it all day, every day, for weeks. 

But don't give up! Real winners do exist, and there's no reason you can't be the next one. If you DO win, you will get one of the coveted vaccine appointments, major bragging rights, and perhaps even the Grand Prize: immediate scheduling of your second dose! Which reminds me...

Special Note to Winners: Do not, under any circumstances, broadcast your success or post selfies of yourself being inoculated. If you do, you are certain to become a victim of Vaccine Envy. This is a very real condition where other people congratulate you and say how happy they are for you, but they are secretly muttering "b*tch" and hoping that you can't raise your arm for a week.