ARGUMENTS WITH THE DOG

My dog Cassie is undeniably adorable. You can ask anyone. She is skilled at snuggling, thoughtfully warms the bed for us at night, and has mastered the art of the tilty-head ear pop. 

See what I mean?

But despite these attributes, she has some flaws. More specifically, she is not always reasonable, has next to no short-term memory, and likes my husband way better than she likes me. This has led to moments of great tension between us. 

Just yesterday, for example, I took her on a walk in the nearby prairie. I congratulated myself on being an incredibly loving and selfless dog mom, especially since a polar vortex has been hanging around the neighborhood and I was quickly losing all feeling in my extremities. But as I watched Cassie flounce happily though snow drifts, I told myself it was worth it.

I was wrong.

The conflict began shortly after we got home. I took off Cass's leash, cracked the icicles from my nose, and turned to find her looking at me expectantly. I steeled myself, knowing exactly what was coming. 

Mom. 

"What?" 

When are you taking me for a walk? 

(In case you're wondering about this conversation, I can only tell you that a famous author once wrote "Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen." This, of course, has nothing to do with me. I am simply not a well person.) 

"What do you mean, when am I taking you for a walk? We just got back from a walk."

Did not. 

"We DID! We got in the car. We went to the prairie. You said hi to a terrier, sniffed his butt, and then we most definitely started walking."

Did not. 

"Are you kidding me? I took you off-leash and let you do zoomies across the bridge. I endured verbal abuse from other people who screamed leash laws at me. I kept walking long after my feet had turned into blocks of ice."

Did not. 

"Did so!"

"Did not. And I know you're taking me on a walk because you have your big poofy jacket on and your going-out boots and my leash is hanging from the bannister.

"It's hanging there because we JUST GOT BACK FROM A FRICKIN' WALK!!"

Mom.

"What?"

When are we going for a walk?

At that, I pointedly removed my big poofy jacket and my going-out boots and marched into the kitchen. Cassie trailed behind me, muttering. Then she planted herself by the patio doors. 

Mom. I need to go out. 

"No, you do not. I just disposed of several poop-filled bags that would indicate otherwise."

I need to go out. Now. 

"Cass—" 

Now, Mom. 

"Okay, fine!" I yanked the door open and she leaped out onto the deck. Less than one minute later, she was scratching at the glass. 

Mom. I need to come in. 

"I just let you out two seconds ago." 

Mom. I've been out here ALL DAY! I think you are trying to kill me. 

I gritted my teeth and opened the door. Cassie gave me an aggrieved look and bulleted off in search of my husband. By the time I reached them, she was already in his lap. He was scratching her tummy and seemed to be listening intently.

"Mommy did what to you? Yes, yes. Of course I believe you." 

And the dog sneered at me in triumph.

THE VACCINATION GAME!

Hey, everyone! Are you ready to play that exciting new online game that's sweeping the country? That's right. I'm talking about...FIND THE VACCINE!

I know you've heard of it. You may already be playing it! This game has captured the imagination of everyone who enjoys spending endless hours hunched in front of a computer, swearing like that kid in The Exorcist, and slowly going mad. It is basically a combination of The Amazing Race and The Hunger Games, but there is no affable host and the odds are never, ever in your favor. 

If you haven't yet joined in the fun, the first thing you need to do is familiarize yourself with the some of the game's standard catch-phrases. These include 

• For vaccination sites in your area, click here. (That's right. The link doesn't work.)
• More vaccines coming soon. 
• No appointments available at this time. 
• Try another location/date/country/decade. 
• Check back soon. 
• Please be patient. 

Once you've got the lingo down, it's time to check out the exciting challenges that you may find yourself participating in: 

EMAIL MADNESS This challenge requires both vigilance and speed. At any time of the day or night, you may receive an email telling you that new doses have been delivered to your preferred location. Don't delay! You will have approximately 3 seconds to click on the pharmacy link before a buzzer sounds and all of the doses disappear. 

TRUTH OR DARE Healthy players must decide whether to be honest during the screening process or pretend to have, say, a chronic lung disease in order to scootch up on the priority list. But beware! If you're caught, you will immediately be eliminated from the game as a whomp-whomp sound plays in the background. 

GUESS THE PHARMACY! After completing the screening process, players are shown a list of approximately eighty providers that are dispensing the vaccine within a 50-mile radius. But there's a twist: only ten of them really have the vaccine! Your challenge is not only to pick one that does, but also to find one that has open slots. Choose wisely. If you guess wrong, you'll receive a penalty and have to start the process all over again. 

BELIEVE IT OR NOT For this challenge, players must use their wits to decide which, if any, tips from friends are worth listening to. For example, should you go online at 3 AM, or use the weird ZIP code someone gave you, or try that super-secret phone number that only your very best friend knows, or show up at your local Walgreens or Jewel at the end of the day and look for leftover doses in the trash bin? Some of the tips will work, and some won't. It will be up to you to determine which is which!

So now you're ready. And the best thing about this game is that you can play it all day, every day, for weeks. Of course, the worst thing about this game is that you can play it all day, every day, for weeks. 

But don't give up! Real winners do exist, and there's no reason you can't be the next one. If you DO win, you will get one of the coveted vaccine appointments, major bragging rights, and perhaps even the Grand Prize: immediate scheduling of your second dose! Which reminds me...

Special Note to Winners: Do not, under any circumstances, broadcast your success or post selfies of yourself being inoculated. If you do, you are certain to become a victim of Vaccine Envy. This is a very real condition where other people congratulate you and say how happy they are for you, but they are secretly muttering "b*tch" and hoping that you can't raise your arm for a week.

SUPER BOWL LV FOR (REALLY STUPID) DUMMIES

So, Super Bowl Sunday is just a few days away, and it is not, obviously, going to be like other Super Bowl Sundays. No parties. No bottomless bowls of snacks or steaming pots of chili. No Budweiser ads. In short, a truly tragic day for all hardcore football fans. 

But the ones I feel worst for are people like my husband. They will be trapped in the house with someone like me who, despite years of effort, just doesn't get football. 

I used to tell myself that football was a guy thing, but I know this isn't true. Two of my girlfriends are walking stat machines, and my daughter-in-law recently commented, "Well, the Chiefs went big last time, but Tom Brady almost pulled it off for the Bucs in the fourth quarter." And then I excitedly said something like, "Wait, I know Tom Brady! Isn't he the one who's married to a supermodel?" 

Oh, I've tried to learn. I once purchased Football for Dummies but it was far too advanced for me. I tried perching next to my husband on the couch, hoping to soak up pearls of football wisdom as we watched. Unfortunately, he doesn't talk during the game and threatens me with bodily harm when I do. When we used to watch games with friends, I tried faking interest by sitting in an intense forward-leaning position and cheering and groaning when everyone else did. But then I'd blow it by asking, "Oh, no! Was he tailgating?" 

So I've decided to find my own way to enjoy the game this Sunday. Like, I'll try to figure out which lines on the field are real and which are the magic ones that disappear. I will see if I can finally decide what all the numbers on the bottom of the screen mean. I will make up definitions for all of the terms the announcers use that are complete gibberish to me. I will also see how many of my own terms and/or definitions I can come up with while watching. 

Here, for instance, are some I invented last week: 

• Illegal clumping: when too many players jump on another player and you can't see him. 

• Offensive crotch scratching: when a player does that, I find it kind of disgusting so I figured it needed a penalty. 

• Personal fowl: when a player runs around in the end zone like a crazy chicken. 

• Creative zig-zagging: when a player runs down the field and doesn't bump into any of the other players.

• Intentional confusion: when the quarterback guy makes you think he's gonna throw the ball but he gives it to someone instead and they run away with it and you sit there wondering, "Where'd the ball go?"

• Up-downs: this, according to my two-year-old grandson, is the appropriate term for tackles. I see no reason to doubt him. 

• Impressive tight end: a close camera shot of really firm butt cheeks. 

All that said, I'm pretty confident that this Sunday will be more enjoyable for me than other Super Bowls have been. That's because I heard my husband saying something about how there'd be two goats playing, one from each team.

This excited me tremendously. I mean, I've never seen animals on the field! My husband tried to explain something about the goats being the Greatest Of All Time, which puzzled me for a minute, but then made perfect sense. I mean, come on—they're not going to let just any old goat play in the Super Bowl!