MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY PLAN

No, I’m not talking about a Verizon contract or something that Flo from the Progressive commercials is all excited about. I’m referring to the plan I think each of us needs in order to determine which of our friends and family we want to start seeing again in a post-vaccine world. Because, if we’re being totally honest, there are probably some we haven’t missed a whole lot this past year.

Now, when deciding whom to reconnect with, there’s a benefit/cost ratio that must be considered. This concept was introduced to me by my brother, who is a Quintuple Z High-Level Executive Person. The benefit/cost thing, he once explained to me, is used to make sure that the cost of achieving or maintaining something is not disproportionate to the benefits. (He also explained this to our mother, who immediately made sure I’m the one designated to make any decisions concerning her and life support.) 

Anyhow, as we all return to society, we have a chance to re-examine our friends and relatives and determine which ones provide more benefit than cost. It allows us to “set the bar,” so to speak, for the future. 

The problem for me is, my bar is very, very low. As a result, most people I know are constantly soaring above it, which in the past has made me feel extremely insecure and inadequate. So, in an attempt to maintain some level of self-esteem moving forward, I have devised a simple system to determine which people I will invite back into my life. 

It’s easy to qualify, really. You just have to be able to relate to five or more of the following statements: 

• When you look at other people’s Facebook and Instagram posts, it confirms your suspicion that you have accomplished nothing interesting, amusing, or worthwhile in your entire life. 

• You feel that anyone who shows up early for a date or appointment is just showing off. 

• You have lots of to-do lists that never get to-done. 

• In terms of fine dining, you believe that the distinction between a Portillo’s hot dog and a Vienna hot dog is critically important. 

• You also understand that if you find a single M&M at the bottom of your purse or coat pocket, possibly dating back to the Obama administration, it’s perfectly okay to eat it.

• You have no problem with the fact that all the shoes in your closet appear to be either Skechers or New Balance. 

• You believe that there’s no reason to straighten the house too often because five minutes after you do, the things you put away will come to life and start creeping out of the drawers and off of shelves. 

• For similar reasons, it is impossible for you to recall with any certainty the color of the floor mats in your car. 

• Because you dislike exercise, the loose skin on your upper arms could qualify you to be a flying squirrel. 

• Related to the last item, your idea of a successful workout routine is pulling on your jeans without falling over. 

If you scored fewer than five, it does not bode well for you in my benefit/cost analysis. Sadly, this means that my brother probably won’t make the cut. 

I’ll miss him.