INCURABLE CONDITIONS

Many of us have noticed that the older we become, the more pill bottles we have. And thanks to those bottles, most of us are able to function somewhat normally. Unfortunately, there are a number of lesser-known disorders for which there are very few known treatments. These include:

 

Sudden-Onset Chocolate Deficiency: a debilitating case of tremors that can usually be alleviated with 2-3 slices of Portillo's chocolate cake (including the frosting that remains on the inside of the plastic cake cover). If cake is unavailable, two sleeves of Double Stuf Oreos may be used as a substitute, as can Hershey's Syrup injected directly into a vein.

Critical Calendar Dysfunction: a form of amnesia that manifests as a complete inability to remember birthdays, anniversaries, colonoscopies, and other crucial events.  The condition appears to be resistant to all calendar-based remedies, including, but not limited to, iPhone reminders, Facebook notifications, and your mother's hourly voicemail reminders about her upcoming birthday.

 

Pizza Preference Impairment: the inability to recall the difference between deep-dish, pan, and stuffed pizza. Tragically, this disorder is often combined with a tourette's-like blurting of "For godssake, they're all just fat pizzas!" PPI has caused tremendous tension between my husband and me, since he believes these three types of pizza are from completely different food groups, and that I am a Philistine for not understanding this.

 

Rice-a-Ronitis:  a form of anxiety that leads to compulsively checking directions on the Rice-a-Roni box to confirm how many tablespoons of butter and cups water to use, no matter how many times one has made it over the past 40 years. (2 tablespoons of butter and 2½ cups water, unless, of course, you're making the family size.)

 

Repetitive Bladder Distress Syndrome: a selective disorder that presents at climactic moments during a TV show and roughly three minutes before the end of any movie. This disorder can actually be life threatening, as it often causes the person who is in charge of the TV remote to mutter "I may have to kill you."

 

Canastavitis: a disability that renders the sufferer incapable of tracking the cards played or picked up during any and all card games. In my case, the problem first manifested during a particularly competitive game of Go Fish. My skills have not yet improved.

 

Acute Fairway Glaucoma: a condition that makes a golf ball appear to vanish the moment it leaves the tee. This illusion occurs even if the player has only managed to hit the ball three yards, and even when the ball is neon orange and embedded with a special chip that makes it scream "I’m over here!" upon touching the ground.

 

Screen Glow Psychosis: the compulsion to storm up to complete strangers who are texting in a darkened theater, grab their phone, and smash it on the floor. Luckily, theater closures related to the pandemic have "flattened the curve" on this psychosis.

 

So there you have it. If you suffer from any of these disorders, at least you now know that you are not alone. And you probably have also realized that it's best to stay far away from me.